All A' Twitter

I love technology.

I can hear a collective gasp from many of the people who have known me during the last 30 years. Miller? Love Technology? I thought he had some plate in his head that made computers malfunction. I thought cell phones were the Devil to this man. Why, he's never even had a car that lasted him longer than a warranty.

And it's true. Most people who know me are aware of my love for the traditional and comfortable, (i.e., my Levi's 501s, my vast collection of homemade TDK tape compilations, and my legendary pair of tennis shoes from 1981 with the silver duct-tape), but they also know of my pride in the great scientific leaps we as Americans have made.

Advancements in our level of technology always signal advancements in our level of society, to me. In other words, as our intellect as a country or species advances, we as a people get to take another step up the utopian stairwell towards some kind of a Wellsian society where nobody wrinkles, we're all well fed and healthy, and all the chicks are hot like in Logan's Run. Man, that's a good movie. But anyway, in my humble opinion, the more advanced we get, the easier things should be, and the smarter we, collectively, should at least look.

I envision an alien life form peering in at us from parts unknown, gathering data on this struggling but heroic life form known as Mankind. They see us making strides in our communications technologies, righting the wrongs of intolerance via dialogue and understanding, making the most out of $99 weekend and anytime minutes, and they decide not to nuke us afterall. Nice. Saved by our level of technology.

But then again, I don't tweet.

Twitter is the newest, hottest electronic fad out there, and its rise in popularity and usage by an ever-growing number of people has me stunned down to my size 10 Converse all-stars.

In February, CQ Politics reported that Rep. Peter Hoekstra, R-Mich., broke a national security embargo when he tweeted the details of a secret congressional trip to Iraq: "Just landed in Baghdad."

Nice. Way to blow your cover, idiot. This guy is the equivalent of the nerd of the wolf pack who walks up on the stalking group of stealthy hunters and shouts out, "Hey guys! Is that a deer?" Or, as actual journalists might put it:

"Not only did Hoekstra reveal the existence of the lawmakers’ trip, but included details about their itinerary in updates posted every few hours on his Twitter page. Did we mention that Hoesktra is a ranking member of the House Intelligence Committee? Hoekstra's breach also happened to occur just months after the U.S. Army issued a report warning that Twitter was a "potential terrorist tool." — Lili Ladaga, CQ Politics

Ok. I'm gonna get all pissed and geeky here, but it's time to Quote Comic Books (where, truth be known, throughout my formative years I learned all sorts of scientific theory, cultural mythology, and expansive vocabulary. Big advocate of Comic Books, folks):

Have we learned nothing from Spider-Man? Do I have to say it again? "With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility." And I can't believe I'd actually have to explain what that means to anyone, either. I refuse to. Use the thesaurus app on your iPhone, idiot, and get back to me.

Basically, I feel that if we don't start using our heads as much as we use our technology, we are in for some serious trouble. It'll only be a matter of time before we screw ourselves up majorly with the kind of irresponsible "lookitme" activity many of us find ourselves immersed right now. We seem to be so desperate to be looked at, we don't care what the lighting makes us look like. And what ever happened to spelling, punctuation, sentence structure, and syntax? No room for them on a tw0-inch keyboard?

All I'm saying is: Settle down. Nobody's really interested in an up-to-date play-by-play on your life. It doesn't make it more glamorous, more exciting, or more colorful. Especially if you're not doing anything. Write a letter. Let your friends know. Get a blog. But shut the hell up. And if you really are doing something exciting or important, well, then, WAIT FOR IT TO BE FINISHED before you blab all about it. Who knows? Maybe more interesting stuff will happen, and then you can string them all together into cohesive paragraphs that have a beginning, middle and end, just like a real story.

Now I know there is a time and a place for all our marvelous acheivements, Twitter included. Up to the second communication is critical in some fields, and this technological marvel can help in those areas, I understand that. But here's the street for the rest of you morons: Twitter is for overzealous self-important twelve year olds with no parental controls and an over-inflated sense of self. There. I said it. Live with it.

That's my take on it. Let me know what you think. I'll be here, filling out my Facebook profile and coming up with new t-shirt phrases.

Four Things You Never Knew Your Cell Phone Could Do

Ran across these technological tid-bits, and thought I'd share them with the Nation. They're Four Things you probably didn't know about Cellular Phones, and I thought they were pretty interesting, even though I'm not the biggest cell phone enthusiast in the world.

As many of you know, I'm not the easiest guy to get a hold of. And, actually, I like it that way, for the most part. I travel a lot, I'm driving, or I'm grabbing some much deserved sleep or quiet Me Time, and the phone rings. I hated that disturbance thirty years ago, and I hate it now with phones that go everywhere I do. The Wife made me get one, after quite honestly some fairly excellent whining on my part against the whole idea. However, "There may be an emergency" was the winning argument. And I am, obviously, the only person who can save us from whatever emergency looms ahead, so I must be able to be reached. So rest easy, America. When Commissioner Gordon calls, I will be on it. That is, if I'm within the coverage area.

See, it's not that I'm antisocial. It's just...well...I don't want you to get ahold of me no matter where I am. I'm a firm believer that, when my phone rings, I don't have to answer it. Fairly sure that's why God created answering machines. And I don't feel that makes me a bad person, an inconsiderate person, or a selfish person. There are dozens of other reasons as to why I'm bad, inconsiderate, and selfish, and my phone etiquette is way at the bottom of that list.

And I don't need to text anyone. Jesus, that crap is destroying a whole semester of 11th Grade Personal Typing skill. No one has respect for the Home Keys anymore. And I don't need music. I don't need games. I don't need the Internet. I don't need to Twitter while in line at the movies, or race Mario Carts while I'm waiting for an elevator. I don't need a phone to placate nor pacify me. I don't need it to entertain me. I don't need it to broadcast my every random thought to my friends and coworkers and any stranger who Googles me. (That's what a blog is for.) When I'm bored, and that's a rarity, I make my own fun. My phone is not some magic wizard that suddenly grants me access to noise and bright colors to occupy my time. It is not some crystal ball allowing me to see things I might otherwise miss and tragically die without. No, I need a phone to make a call where I want and when I need it to. And they can't seem to get that little bit of technology nailed down yet. Calls fade out, drop off, or are so static-ridden you might as well be talking to a Cuisinart. Swear to you, rotary phones made in 1973 had better and more reliable sound quality than these pocket playthings they make now! Unreliable in almost every situation. What I need is a tin can on a string that goes directly to 911, that's what I need.

But I digress. How unlike me. The Tid-Bits. Yes. Here they are. Give them a try and see how they work for you.

1. Emergency! - The emergency number is always 911, as most people know. But, if you're out of your coverage area or your mobile network, dial 112. That's the Worldwide Emergency Number, and it should work everywhere.

2. Hidden Power! - Out of juice and need to call the boss? Press the keys *3370# and your cell phone will restart with a reserve of up to 50% of your battery life.

3. Free Directory Service - There are several out there, including Google's 1-800-GOOG-411, but try 800-FREE-411 without incurring any charge at all.

4. Open Sesame! - This one I thought was a hoot! Locked your keys in your car? Got a spare set at home? Before you call AAA (you've got AAA, right?), try this. Call someone at home on their cell phone (or on a land line and tell them to call you back using their cell). Hold your cell phone up to the car door and have the person at home press the "unlock" button on your spare set of keys. Presto! Your car door should unlock.

I got these from a very reliable source, so they should work. If not, call me. Oh, if I don't pick up, try leaving a message. Or shoot me a comment back. I'll be here. Playing Mario Cart.