Top Ten Movie Moves

Top Ten Movie Moves

American movie makers have come to rely upon certain cliches, metaphors, and even stereotypes to move the story along. These range from the obvious (Want your actress to look dumb? Have her chewing bubble gum. Genius!) to the subtle (the tie-in between Norman Bate's love of ornothology and the screeching sticatto of the music used as he murdered Janet Leigh).

However, there are some parts of the plot line that American Audiences have come to rely upon in order to spoon feed key elements to them. I see these over and over again in movie after movie, and have realized that my life, in comparison, seems incomplete. I have decided that there are several key elements to film, especially action films, that I desperately need to incorporate into my own life in order to make it as action-packed, adreneline-pumping, and testosterone-rich as the two-dimensional lives I see flickering before me. Oh sure, I can battle the bad guys in a raging war of wits, but that don't get the babes in truckloads like it used to. Nope. Cool, so I am shown again and again in plot line after plot line, is not what you have going on upstairs, but how you use your fists. Now that gets it going on upstairs, boys and girls, if you know what I mean. Greasy biceps, well placed smears and smudges, and skin that takes a lickin' but never (and I mean never) forms a bruise. Oh, a small cut here and there, sure. Cuts are cool. But bruises? Ugh, what a pussy. Yeah. And the moves that I see them perform in order to save the day and win the war and keep the children safe for democracy. Oh, the moves! Gravity defying, split-second reactions like jungle cats in slow motion! Yeah. That's cool. We need more of this in America. Everyday. On the streets. In the cubicles. While watering the yard. You name it. These are the Action Moves each of us can benefit from.

So here are my choices for the Top Ten Movie Moves needed in real life.

1. Jumping from a Moving Train

2. Dropping from Above onto the Bad Guy's Back

3. Tossing the Cigarette onto the Gasoline

4. Switching Seats in a Speeding Car

5. Switching Directions in a Speeding Car

6. The Windmill Rifle Cock

7. Final Move Without Looking

8. Awesome Holiday Lighting Display

9. Swimming Underwater thru Hail of Bullets

10. Staggering thru Desert with Chapped Lips

While I know that most, if not all, of these options are probably never really going to become part of my life...I mean, come on. I'm a writer. How can I jump from a train with my laptop? That's nuts....I further understand that I can be happy with what I deem the "Little Action Movie Moves." These include the Tooth-Pick Shuffle (moving the pick slowly to the opposite corner of my mouth without using my hands as I stare steely-gazed at the woman I'm scoping out at the bar, just moments before she indignantly sends the bouncer my way), and answering the phone with only my last name. "Miller" or "Go for Miller". Yeah. That's cool.