An Observation on the SUV

Here's another stand-up bit from a gig I did last summer at the HaHa Cafe in North Hollywood. If I can clean up the sound, I'll add it to the CD. As it is, it's a good little observatin on the state of the size of SUVs. Let me know what you think at scottsaidso@yahoo.com.

Have you noticed the correlation I have? That the bigger the SUV the smaller the driver? Yeah. I keep seeing these tiny little ladies with their tiny little dogs and these huge purses, huge sunglasses, and huge, crippling SUVs. These heavy metal behemoths rolling down the roadways like some chrome-laiden glacier coming straight at you. "WAAAA!!! Get the Pharoah! Get the Pharoah!" And the names they give these things. Huge, massive, swinging dick names, you know. "The Yukon." Right. "Northwest Territories" too dorky for the ad reps at GMC? Jesus, I'm waiting for "The Ford Continent" to come out. "Comes with it's own Gravitational Pull." Only a matter of time.
But these chicks driving them. No, I'm sorry. But it's always a chick. Please. Please. They're all built on the principal of penis envy, and you goddamn know it. Yes, yes, yes. This is California, baby. Both men and women drive the dick they wish they had. And I swear, the chicks inside these SUVs, I swear to God. The other day I saw a chick driving like this...(Mime huge steering wheel way above head, huge hand over hand turning). Way too big. Way too big. Talk about an accident waiting to happen. And I'll look up at them and say, "Hey! Why you driving such a big honkin' vehicle?" And they'll look down at me and scream, "Cuz it's safer!"
FOR WHO?
I'm just saying. I mean, I look at it this way. Maybe it's not the car for you. That's all. Just, just maybe...it's not the right vehicle for you. I mean, consider this. If you need a rope ladder lowered from the driver's seat just so you can climb up into your vehicle? Maybe it's not the car for you. If you need a periscope to see over the dashboard, Maybe it's not the car for you. If you have ever lost your dog inside your vehicle, Maybe it's not the car for you. Honest to god, if you cannot reach across the passenger seat while driving to pay at the f---ed up Taco Bell drive thru that's on the wrong goddamn side, then it is not the car for you! Think of it this way: An SUV is like Spandex. It's a priveledge, not a right. That's right. It's not for everyone.
And If I were King...yes, King...and that really is a stunning visual, isn't it? With the Crown and the flowing robes? Stunning. Yes, it's Ermine. Yes. If I were King, I would make it a law, -- Nay! An Edict! ... 'Cuz I'm King, bitch... That it would be illegal to own a vehicle that was taller than you were.
Nice, eh? Like the Denali. Have you seen that f---ng Land Yacht? The Denali? Top of the line Yukon. By GMC. The Denali weighs ... get this... it weighs 6,800 pounds. And that's empty! You can but 8 people inside that thing, ...in hammocks. The HOOD alone is four and a half feet off the ground (mime leaning on elbow). Now, where's the head of a three year old? Oh, that'd be down here. (lean over and show knee length from floor). The Denali has a blind spot of 20 feet directly behind it. 20 feet. That means, that if a Denali were behind me, backing up towards you, it'd take out this whole first couple of rows right here, cuz it can't see you. And the last thing you'd hear before it ran you down was..."Beep! Beep! Beep!" That's not the sound they should have. I mean, if 6,000 pounds of glass and metal is rolling blindly towards me, I want a f---ng "Aaa-OOOO-Gaa!!!" or something. Right? I mean..."Beep!" That's not scary. That means my burrito is done, you know? I mean, come on. It's nuts.